"She Can Play That Game, Too" : A Response

This week I had planned to write a post about the first year of marriage...but on Sunday, this article came out in the New York Times and I'm going to write a response to the article instead. (if you haven't yet read it, it's worth the time, so click on over and check it out!)

The article is about the growing sub-culture of college women being as willing to 'hook up' as college men are. According to the article, many college women are too focused on grades, extracurricular activities, and nurturing their burgeoning careers to have the space in their schedule for a serious relationship. Instead, they are choosing to separate sex from relationships (and, in some cases, to separate it from emotion completely) and indulge in the traditionally male-dominated arena of hookup culture.

It is difficult for me to even know where to start with responding to this article.

First of all, my heart aches for these girls. They have been convinced that a relationship is so much work (at one point in the article referred to as something to 'lug around') that it would be impossible to fit in to their schedule. That it isn't worth it. That love will wait until 'after' - after her career is established, she has achieved her goals, and she is ready to 'settle down.'

At least, that is what the article portrays. But with just a little bit of insight you can see past all of that to a group of women who, at their core, are scared.
They are scared that if they put themselves out there emotionally, they will be hurt.
They are scared of becoming involved with a man who won't stick with them through life changes such as graduating college or relocating for a job.
They are scared of what a life without some kind of connection -- even if it is an emotionally void physical 'connection' -- would look like.
They are scared that including a man in their lives will interfere with their goals.

And that is why my heart aches for these women. They have bought into beliefs about relationships, love, and sex that are not true. (I'll go into detail on that in later posts.) They are missing out BIG TIME on what love has to offer...and as corny as it sounds, their actions are separating them from experiencing true love. The 'I'm too busy' reasons given in the article are just an excuse; at the bottom of those excuses, these girls are scared of what may happen if they put themselves out there and bravely strive after love.

My second reaction was anger. These beliefs about love being 'so much work' and 'a time suck' are NOT rooted in truth. I am angry that there are men out there who are treating women this way. It kills me to hear one of these women describe herself as a 'true feminist' - because the last time I checked, feminism was about equality between genders. When these women put themselves out there in the hookup culture, they are being valued as a person at all. They are being 'valued' as a set of body parts, which is the opposite of everything true feminism stands for.

Third reaction: for all the talk of 'doing this for my career/goals/personal growth/etc.,' there is an enormous lack of long-term planning going on here. The choice to participate in hookups ignores several issues that will be huge down the road:
1. Separating sex from emotion typically just means you're still having the emotion but you're squashing it down, deep inside. This certainly seems to be a recipe for huge amounts of future emotional pain.
2. Alcohol is often involved in hookups, and that leads to poor overall decision-making and high sexual assault rates.
3. One woman who was interviewed described her decisions to participate in hookup culture as low-risk. The emotional risks alone (see #1) are enough to negate her comment, but when you add in the risk of sexual assualt (see #2) as well as the possibility of pregnancy or STIs, it is impossible to see the decision to participate in hookup culture as anything but a high risk activity.

On the whole, the NYT article added fuel to the fire of this blog. (pun not intended!) There is a MUCH better way out there, a way that leads to true love, deep fulfillment, and joy. That is the purpose of this blog: to open discussion on what that way is and how to find it.

Stay tuned!

The first...

Welcome to Mighty Flame Love! 

The foundation and inspiration for this blog are the following verses:

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away.If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned." - Song of Songs 8:6-7

That strong, unyielding, mighty, unquenchable L.O.V.E is hard to find in today's world. My hope is that in reading this blog, you'll come to a better understanding of what that love is, how to find it, and how to live it.

Here's the deal: I care A LOT about love and marriage. Both have been so polluted by "the media" and "society" and "our own personal baggage" that people today are scared. They are scared to love, scared to commit, scared to be vulnerable, scared to trust, and scared to get married. If they do overcome those fears, they are confused about how to love well and how to have an amazing marriage. 

Who can blame them?! It's not like information about lasting love or amazing marriages is easy to come by...it's so much easier to find resources that bash love, make it into a game, and show marriage as a ball and chain of lots of hard work that may or may not work out.

The saddest part is...at least half of marriages *don't* work out. We are all engaged in a battle for love, like it or not, and right now...we are losing.

I am here to change that. 

*I want to see the divorce rate plummet. 

*I want to see lasting, thriving, F.U.N, sustaining, and sustainable marriages arise out of a real love between two people. 

*I want to see children born into homes with two parents who love one another and who are building the family upon that strong foundation.

*I want to see a paradigm shift in how we live out, talk about, and support one another in love and marriage.

Are you ready to join me on this adventure of learning about and living out radical love? I hope you are! Thank you for stopping by and I hope to see you again soon here at Mighty Flame Love.